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It must have been the last winter storm of the season that came overnight. It seems odd to say “winter storm,” since in San Diego “winter storms” do not have freezing temperatures and snow, the hallmarks of real winter. But even though it was 61 degrees when I went outside with the first of the retrievers at seven o’clock on Saturday morning, it felt colder than that. I put on my jacket before accompanying retriever two on her first potty break of the day.

We walked to Hendrix Pond after retriever breakfast. (Mine comes later with a foamy hot latte that I make myself in a bone china cup with pastel flowers that is the sine qua non for reading my emails.) Everything was shiny wet under gray clouds that carried the potential for new rain. The eucalyptus trees tossed restlessly overhead in the wild winds, and the world smelled of rain and the fruity, but faintly astringent, aroma of eucalyptus. Excitement was in the air; but I had no idea why.

The pond was a sheet of greeny-brown glass, with few green-headed mallards and navy-winged females swimming among the reeds. The three white heron that had been there yesterday were nowhere to be seen. (It has been ages since all three were present; a good sign, I think when all return together. I found a white feather once that one of them left behind, and tucked it into a flower pot by my front door as a symbol of magic and good luck.) Most of the ducks were tucked securely into various sheltered nooks around the pond, some with their heads under their wings. No one had come to feed them as people often do of a morning. The retrievers and I had the wild, windy, cold, wintry world of the pond to ourselves.

We followed our usual trail around the perimeter, the retrievers investigating every new smell that overnight wind and rain had created. I waited patiently while they exhausted every sniff of whatever blade of grass or smooth bit of rock caught their canine fancy. I gazed out at the ducks and listened to the creaking eucalyptus overhead and wished I had awakened in the night to hear the wind and rain. There is nothing more cozy than waking in the wee hours to hear the world being tossed to bits by winter winds accompanied by the staccato beat of rain on the roof while retrievers snore contentedly close by. I love to snuggle deeper into my warm bed and my heap of feather pillows and say a prayer of thanks for my roof, my bed, my dogs, and for being cozy and dry.

The retrievers and I walked out of the shadows just as the morning sun broke through the heavy clouds. I felt the warmth of a normal April morning on my back for a few minutes; and now my jacket, which had been so welcome a minute ago, was uncomfortably hot. In this new unwelcome heat, the world seemed to go fuzzy the way a scene does when you turn the focus ring of a camera too far the wrong way. In an instant, I remembered what hot summer walks are like, with the heat of the sun on my back, and the retrievers, in their fluffy blonde coats, anxious to return to the dark cool of the condo. But, as quickly as the heat of April emerged, it vanished behind the gray morning storm clouds sailing across the rain-washed sky. Now the focus ring had been turned in the opposite direction, and it seemed as if the world had gone from fuzzy into sharp focus in the crisp air.

Some people love summer. Maybe because I grew up in the excessive heat of Southern summers, that season has never been my favorite. In a few days, it will become summer-hot here. Nineties are predicted where we live by Tuesday. So this morning’s chance to bid farewell to the cozy focus that winter-damp air brings to life under the tossing eucalyptus was welcome. Winter, I will miss you.

The Pond - Our Daily Destination

The Pond – Our Daily Destination

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Up until last week, the only contact I’d had with Lena Dunham’s series “Girls” was reading various blogger posts about the different fashion statements the four female leads represent. I love fashion, although to be more accurate, I love style because style is timeless and individual, whereas fashion is a fickle friend of the moment. Based on my limited knowledge of “Girls” obtained through the style blogs, I was kindly disposed toward Lena Dunham because she insists on a personal style that is definitely not influenced by Hollywood’s unnatural picture of what women must be. And I admired her for succeeding in a difficult business at age twenty-seven.

Then a couple of weeks ago, I read a review of “Girls” written by a British blogger, Emma Woolf (the great-nice of Virginia herself), which made me curious about the substance of the show. Ms. Woolf, who could be a contemporary of Hannah Horvath and company, didn’t like “Girls” one bit. The title of her essay was “Why ‘Girls’ Is Bad for Women.” She described her experience watching the episodes in the first series on DVD as “uncomfortable and unforgettable.” (Did she mean “forgettable”?)

Curious, I ordered the same first season DVD from Netflix and on a night when I was too tired to do anything else, I settled down to watch. I began by wanting to like Hannah/Lena. I sympathized with her plight as a writer, struggling to get started. I felt for her when she was suddenly and without warning cut-off financially by her parents, and I sympathized with her decision to go plead her case to them – until I discovered her “novel” that was “nearly finished” consisted of all of ten pages. How could anyone who called a ten page draft a novel, expect to be taken seriously? What emotion was Lena Dunham trying to evoke in me? Laughter, disgust, complete bafflement?

I considered ejecting the disk after episode one, but I thought “Girls” might get better, so I punched “forward” and “play” and ploughed on. Pretty soon, I understood Ms. Woolf’s objection to “grubby sexual content.” As she put it, “If you want to watch strangers copulating, I imagine professional pornography would be more satisfying.” And she was right about the sexual content of episode two, which as she said “opens with Hannah and her reclusive boyfriend Adam having sex, in a scene so disturbing that it felt close to abuse.” I kept wondering if I was supposed to like Adam because I did not like him even a little. Any respect I had had for Hannah/Lena vanished. She insisted a man was her “boyfriend” who wouldn’t return her texts, yet would use her (there is no other word for it) for some very unattractive sex when she showed up at his door, reeking desperation and misery. Why, I wondered would a young woman depict the lives of herself and her contemporaries in such a squalid, hopeless light? Was Ms. Dunham trying to say that women are still required to have a man in their lives at any price despite the enormous strides women have made toward equality and independence in the last fifty years? I found the suggestion that women must or should put up with abuse – physical or verbal – as distasteful and disturbing as the generation of “romance” novels that encouraged women to put up with domestic violence in the name of “hopeless love” for an “alpha male.”

At any rate, I gave “Girls” the same chance Ms. Woof did. I watched all of the episodes in series one. It didn’t get better, and I was relieved when it ended although I wasn’t entertained by Hannah/Lena’s inane monologue about the “benefits” of contracting AIDS as she lay on an exam table with her feet in stirrups for her annual pap smear. Really, are these private details of women’s lives interesting enough to be on television? And what is “Girls”s is trying to accomplish by airing the mundane details of womanhood: comedy? satire? social commentary? Beats me.

Like Emma Woolf, I am not a cultural snob. I admit I did not watch “Sex and the City” in its heyday, but I saw all the episodes while happily bypassing the 11 p.m. doomsday evening news. The redeeming grace of “Sex” was its ability to create a fantasy world of clothes, clubs, rich men, and expensive shoes on a writer’s budget. And, best of all, the warmth of the attachment of the four female leads came across as real and heartwarming. I was willing to suspend my disbelief for “Sex,” knowing only too well that no Wall Street partner has ever in the history of the world had time to hang out in a coffee shop with her girl friends. Miranda, I love you, but you are a work of extreme fiction.

Now baffled by all the hoopla over a show that to me seemed depressing and even dangerous for the messages it is sending to and about women, I turned to an expert for advice: my daughter who is exactly Lena Dunham’s age. I offered her the DVD and asked for her thoughts after watching it. But her response was even more telling. She said okay the night I called, but when we got together for dinner the next evening, she politely declined. “Mom, I googled it. And from what I read, it’s not something I want to see.” “Wise decision,” I told her. And I smiled to myself, “Validated!”

Girls

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I was reading an article this week on tips for obtaining a literary agent. What struck me was the author’s authoritative insistence that without a “perfect” manuscript, drafted and redrafted and redrafted yet again, a writer is doomed to be ignored and never to be published. If that is true, I am wondering why so many books are out there, indie and traditionally published alike, because I am yet to read a “perfect” one. Have you?

I myself hate the cult of “perfectionism” because it creates a myth that victimizes the rest of us who are just trying to do our best work. Note that “ best work” is not “perfect work.” In between learning that Dance For A Dead Princess had been nominated by Foreward Reviews for its Book of the Year Award in Romance and learning Dance was the sole Finalist for the Beverly Hills Book Award in Romance, I got an e-mail one morning informing me my “review was ready” from a indie author book review service I had contacted ages ago. I scrolled down and read absolutely the nastiest, snarkiest review of my book imaginable. No, let me rephrase that. The nastiest, snarkiest review of any book imaginable. Apparently I’d unwittingly fallen into the hands of the High Priestess of Perfection. So while munching my slightly underdone egg and overdone toast, and drinking a less than perfectly brewed cup of coffee (but happy to have a warm breakfast anyway), I learned that the High Priestess found my plot “contrived,” thought the use of the diary to tell the inner story was “the oldest literary cliche” out there, and was just outraged because the word “lame” got into the text without an accent over the e. Oh, whoops, my eternal bad. High Priestess said nothing about my ability to draw a reader vividly into a scene. (A New York editor had given me that accolade years ago.) High Priestess had nothing to say about all the readers on GoodReads and Amazon who had stayed up at night to find out what happened. And, of course, she had no idea what the judges at Foreward thought of Dance for A Dead Princess. No, she was dead set in her opinion that Dance wasn’t perfect and therefore not worthy of anyone’s time of day.

Well, I agreed with her. If perfect is your bag, Dance is not for you. But, then, neither are the rest of the books out there. Wonder if High Priestess has given that much thought?

Fortunately, I’ve been a writer long enough to know what I do well, and where I can improve. I listen to honest reader feedback. I learn. I grow. But I have not one single aspiration to be Perfect. My heart was broken enough times on that wheel growing up, and I have no intention of the punched-in-the-gut feeling that comes from hours and hours of working and hoping for that “Perfect” accolade, only to find all effort wasted because the accent mark didn’t find its home over the “e.”

I think it is useless and wrong to preach the religion of “Perfectionism.” One Christmas I went to a luncheon here in San Diego that a local group of attorneys sponsored in honor of the season. We sat in a semi-dark cavern of a room, at fifty or sixty round tables covered in spotless linen (or the lights were dimmed to hide the spots, take your choice), and potted poinsettias were plopped in the center of the table (to give the proceedings that “festive” air, I guess). We ate rubbery chicken with a glob of gravy on top, dressing that I swear was made out of old newspapers, and green beans that had been run through a pot of boiling water for ten seconds flat. (I assumed those beans spoke French.)

Since I was starving, I opted to search for food value in the wilted lemon meringue pie that had probably been parked by each diner’s place around 8:30 that morning. And as I sent my blood sugar soaring on an empty stomach, I listened to the speaker, a middle-aged attorney in a bright purple suit, who was presenting a writing award to a student from one of the local law schools. What interested me was the Speaker’s awe-inspired assurance that this student was “Perfect” because she put every one of her writing projects through at least ten drafts. Had Madame Middle-Aged Purple Suit taken leave of her senses, I wondered. Which one of her clients would have paid the hourly rate of a junior attorney who couldn’t produce a fileable document (fileable, not perfect) in one draft and a final? No client on earth is going to pay for ten drafts. Nor should he or she have to. What unreasonable and unworkable standard of the cult of “Perfectionism” was Purple Suit advocating in the midst of stultifying boredom?

Perhaps Miss Ten Drafts went on to be a disciple of the High Priestess, I don’t know. I never went to another holiday luncheon. I’m not perfect, my books are perfect, my readers aren’t perfect, and I love us all just the way we are. I’m throwing my hat in the ring to stamp out the religion of Perfectionism!

The High Priestess

The High Priestess

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One year ago yesterday, I pushed the publish button on Amazon and Nook Press and became a published author. I knew I’d embarked on a journey that I’d always wanted to make, but I had no idea what was coming.

At first, Dance For A Dead Prinessc was an e-book only. I didn’t realize until months later how simple and inexpensive and indeed, imperative, it was to create a paperback on Create Space.

And I started the journey with a website under construction and quickly learned not having a website made me a second-class author citizen. Thus, when I wrote one blogger who offered two-day guest spots for authors, to secure two days to guest post, she replied, “Well, ok. But you only get one day because you don’t have a website.”

But the website lesson was trivial compared to the advertising lesson. For breathtaking amounts of money, I bought ads on Kirkus Reviews, thinking their favorable review of Dance For A Dead Princess would quickly produce a readership for the book. Wrong. Expensively wrong. Ads ran. No one seemed to notice.

Then I tried an all-romance website and had the book’s cover pasted up for a month for another quite tidy sum. Again, no one noticed. My book was simply embedded in a mosaic of other books – most with far racier covers. Since I was a new and unknown author, and readers were perusing this site for their favorites that involved shirtless men, Dance For A Dead Princess wasn’t a candidate for their attention. Another lesson learned.

After a certain amount of frustration, I managed to get Dance up on GoodReads. But since Amazon does not cross-post reviews on that site, all my reviews remained on Amazon.

Then I discovered the Truly Expensive Blog tour. I wonder if I thought it would be effective because it was Truly Expensive or because the owner of the business persuaded me she knew what she was doing or because I had read how some blog tours had put Indie books on the map (and the bestseller list.) But of all the money I threw at advertising in the first year of being an author, the Truly Expensive Blog Tour was the most wasted. The owner of the business and my tour director had more excuses than you can count for why the tour dates weren’t honored and why the reviews promised were never posted. To put it mildly, I’d been scammed, big time.

About this time, I decided to do Facebook ads and Kindle Daily Nation sponsorships, although I also sat up nights hunting for websites where indie authors could post for free or nominal sums. Oddly enough, although multiple indie authors claimed Facebook ads were useless, I found them more effective than anything else I’d tried. And they were happily quite low budget. I began to think that the more money I threw at the problem, the less success I had. Whereas, when I was being cheap, I seemed to get better results.

Another example of that principle was another blog tour organizer, who appeared on top of a Google Search one day. Her rates sounded too good to be true. But this time I was careful to research her company and to ask her bluntly if she kept her promises, telling her the horror story of the Truly Expensive Blog Tour. I was delighted to learn she was everything she claimed to be. Organized, honest, efficient, and trustworthy. And she was able to produce reviews, which are the gold standard for selling books. Almost all of the reviews on GoodReads came from her blog tour (which has now continued for months for a fraction of the cost of Truly Expensive.)

And then, just as the First Year of Being An Author was ending, I received some exciting news. Dance For A Dead Princess is a finalist in the Foreward Reviews Best Book of the Year Award for 2013, with the final results to be published in June. And Dance is the Finalist for the 2014 Beverly Hills International Book Award. That award has one winner and one finalist in each category, so I’m honored to be No. 2 in Romance.

Yesterday I started the Second Year of Being An Author by writing the first press release I’d ever written in my life and sending it off to local media. Whether it gets noticed or not, just doing it felt good. And I contacted local indie bookstores I’ve been meaning to contact for months.

Most of all, so many friends have helped out during Year One. They’ve written reviews, they’ve offered encouragement, they’ve stuck up for me and the book when the inevitable Vicious Reviewers surfaced. Launching a book into the world takes friends, and I am very grateful to mine and to everyone who as read Dance for A Dead Princess. And now Year Two Begins.

eauthor-ebook-e-book-humor

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CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

She was afraid he’d gone to bed. She’d taken a desperate chance, driving over to his house at midnight just because she wanted to see him. He was wearing gray sweat pants and a white t-shirt and holding an empty glass that she guessed must have held scotch. It was the most casually dressed she had ever seen him. She had done her best to stay away ever since seeing realizing his growing feelings for Alexa, knowing as she did that even if Alexa hadn’t been in the way, nothing would ever be possible for her with him. But, she told herself, Jim had become her anchor in the swirling intrigue that surrounded this case; and she needed to be near him at least for that night to steady herself for what was to come.

“You haven’t been home to change since the hearing.” He was surprised to see her in the same dark purple suit.

“I went to the hospital to give Alexa the news, and then I had several meetings with prospective clients this afternoon. I went to Trend for a drink, and then I realized I needed to talk to you.”

“And I’m sure you haven’t had a thing to eat.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Yes, you are.” He led the way into his dark kitchen, snapped on the light, and pulled out a stool for her at island in the center. Without asking, he took her briefcase and purse and began to unbutton her suit coat. He didn’t care if he was inappropriate. He was sailing on too much scotch, and he’d missed her, and right now nothing mattered more than having her here with him.

“What are you doing?”

“Making sure you don’t dribble brie and mushroom quiche on your very expensive jacket. Chanel?”

“No.”

“Then designer Who?”

“Does it matter?”

“You were the best looking one in the courtroom this morning.”

Sarah gave him the first smile he’d seen that day. “Preston Baldwin is fifty and bald and Judge Tomlinson could use a few laps at the gym. As for the sheriff – ”

“Aren’t you going to make a crack about real men and quiche?”

“No. I’m going to be happy you let me into your house at midnight and are willing to feed me. The suit is Marc Jacobs, by the way.” I’ve had too much to drink, Sarah thought. I shouldn’t have come here. But I’m so happy to see him that it hurts. I only hope I don’t do something stupid.

“Should I pour wine or make coffee?”

“Wine.” Ok, Sarah thought. That was stupid. I’m already over my limit.

He opened a bottle of cabernet and poured two glasses. “Go slowly on this. The quiche will be ready in a few minutes. I had some for supper.” He told himself not to be distracted because she was wearing a lacy black camisole under the discarded jacket.

“So how was Alexa when you gave her the news?”

“Surprised. Happy. Didn’t you go by the hospital tonight?”

“No. I knew you’d been there. And I figured after the Judge reamed out the sheriff, they wouldn’t try anything tonight. Congratulations, by the way. This is an unprecedented victory.”

Sarah’s stomach tightened because she was afraid he was about to mention Menendez. But to her great relief he didn’t. “Probably illegal, as the judge said. But thanks.”

“Killing her in jail is also illegal.”

“Good point.”

“Have you decided how to handle things tomorrow?”

“They are coming to the hospital at 10:30 to fit the ankle monitor.”

“And you’re going to be there to make sure they don’t smear it with poison.”

“Something like that. I want you there, too.”

“Me?”

“Well, you’ve done the lion’s share of looking after her. She trusts you.” Sarah tried to keep her voice steady.

“And you, too. I’m just doing what an investigator does for his boss.”

And it looks like a lot more than that to me. But I’m not going to say it.

“Here, eat up.”

“Thanks.”

He watched her wolf down the quiche. Unlike the inedible stuff she brought home in saran wrap that she picked at, she always ate his food.

“That was fast. I bet you haven’t eaten all day.”

She looked up guiltily from the empty plate. “Do the pretzels at Trend count?”

“Definitely not. Here. One more piece.” He fought down the wave of feelings that washed over him as he sliced another serving of pie and heated it in the microwave. She needed someone to look after her. She needed him.

“Thanks.” Sarah attacked her second helping more slowly, savoring every bit. “It’s wonderful as usual.”

“I still say you need a personal chef.”

She laughed. “Wouldn’t work. My hours are too irregular.”

“There would at least be something in the frig for you to heat up when you finally do get home.”

“It’s a thought. What have you found in Brigman’s bank records?”

“Do you really want to talk about those right now?”

No, Sarah, thought. No, I don’t. I want to put my head on your shoulder and feel your arms around me and feel safe. I never feel safe, but I feel safe with you. “I was hoping for just a preliminary opinion.”

He was disappointed. He didn’t want to talk shop at one a.m. He wanted to hold her and tell her how much she meant to him. “I can give you more than that. I’ve found evidence Michael was, indeed bribing Ronald Brigman. There’s a pattern of transfers into Brigman’s account each month and stupidly Michael used the same account to write support checks to Alexa.”

Sarah’s face brightened. “So we can prove Michael was bribing Brigman?”

“Yes, but it doesn’t help us put together a defense for Alexa because although she and Bob Metcalf suspected something illegal, they didn’t actually know what Michael and Brigman were up to. So the bribes couldn’t have influenced Alexa’s decision to kill them. If she killed them.”

“Have you told Alexa her suspicions were justified?”

“No. I figured that was your job.”

Well, at least they weren’t quite as close as they’d seemed that night. Sarah took some comfort in that. She was suddenly overcome by the desire to go to sleep.

“Hey!” Jim caught her as she was slipping off the stool.

“Sorry. Food. Wine. I’m tired, now. I’d better go home.”

“Well, you can’t drive. And to be honest, neither can I. I’ve killed quite a bit of scotch tonight.”

Because you missed visiting Alexa, she thought. But knew better than to say so. “No, I’ll be fine,” she insisted.

“You will not be fine. Guest room, now.”

“No. I have to go home.” Because something will happen if I stay. And tomorrow at the hospital, when I see you with Alexa, my heart break all over again.

Jim sighed. “Then I’ll call a cab for you.”

Within ten minutes, he bundled her into the bright yellow taxi and then stood in the drive like a love-sick school boy watching it vanish into the dark.

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CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

On the night of October 1, Jim sat alone on his patio watching the full moon rise over Pacific Beach and throwing back too much scotch. The night was crisp with fall dampness and musty with wood smoke from his neighbor’s fireplaces, and he pulled his chair closer to the outdoor gas heater and wished he could turn off his brain. He was overwhelmed by too many thoughts and too many emotions flooding him relentlessly.

He wanted to stop picturing Sarah as she had argued for Alexa’s bail at the hearing that morning, now rail-thin, wearing a deep violent suit that screamed expensive and so focused that she seemed unaware of his presence beside her at the defense table. She had studiously avoided him since the Friday night she’d come to Alexa’s room alone and had asked him to leave. He’d called her a dozen times since then, asking to help her prepare for this hearing, but she’d refused his assistance and told him to concentrate on his analysis of Brigman’s bank records instead.

Judge Tomlinson had listened thoughtfully to their witnesses, Tammi Linders and Greg Olson the EMT, whose tracheotomy had saved Alexa’s life. He quietly questioned Dr. Bruce Herbert, the head of emergency medicine at USCD, who had explained how the jail obtained Alexa’s medical records before their psychiatrist, Dr. Joe, Cox had prescribed the Lexapro.

Prosecutors are rarely on the losing side of a case, Jim thought, as another long sip of scotch sent fiery comfort through his veins. Preston Baldwin had been obviously reluctant to call Dr. Cox to the witness stand to explain himself. Tomlinson had questioned him sharply after Sarah had made him obviously uncomfortable on cross-examination. Hadn’t he read the records from USCD? Why had he ignored Alexa Reed’s previous problem with Lexapro? Why had the jail staff waited to summon an ambulance?

In closing argument, Preston Baldwin had harped on Alexa’s intelligence which Baldwin had insisted gave her the ability to fake mental illness, only to be sharply interrupted by Judge Tomlinson.

“Are you claiming, Mr. Baldwin, this woman faked the need for an emergency operation in the back of an ambulance after the administration of Dr. Cox’s prescription?”

“Uh, no, Your Honor.”

“Well, I’m glad to hear that because for a moment I thought you had taken leave of your senses. Get to the point, Mr. Baldwin.”

Although as a former FBI agent, Jim had spent most of his career working on the prosecutor’s side, he enjoyed watching this particular one squirm. He sensed Preston Baldwin realized the need to hurry up and sit down.

“My point, Your Honor, is that Mrs. Reed should not be allowed to be out of custody. She is an extremely clever woman, and there is a high likelihood she won’t show up for trial if she’s released. And above all, Ms. Knight has not shown any possibility that her client may be innocent, and without that showing Mrs. Reed is not eligible for bail.”

Judge Tomlinson turned quickly to Sarah, after she replaced Preston Baldwin at the podium. “I’d like to hear you address that last point, Ms. Knight. What evidence can you point to that might acquit your client?”

“At the moment, the best evidence I have is protected by attorney work product, Your Honor. I’m not prepared to give away my theory of my client’s defense this morning.”

The judge frowned. “I am assuming you are referring to the bank documents from Ronald Brigman’s accounts that you subpoenaed.”

“Again, Your Honor, I cannot give away my strategy in this hearing. I will remind you we also have a ballistics expert, and Jordan Stewart is appointed to work for the defense. I will have a case to present at trial.”

“So am I just supposed to take your word for it that your client might not be guilty?”

“I’d suggest you look at the facts as we know them,” Sarah said. Jim marveled at the way her voice never wavered. “She called the police when she found Michael Reed, she notified them of her whereabouts, she went in voluntarily for questioning. She is a woman of considerable achievement as an attorney and is an officer of the court in multiple jurisdictions. She dose not fit the profile of a multiple murderer.”

The judge leaned back in his chair and studied Sarah thoughtfully for a few minutes. “Do you have anything else to add?”

“Only that the interests of justice are best served if my client survives to go to trial, and the jail has raised considerable doubts about its ability to make that happen.”

“What if I lift the medication order?”

“If you don’t, I’m going to take an immediate writ to the court of appeal, regardless of the outcome of this hearing. Alexa Reed should never have been given any type of psychotropic drugs. And ordering any more of them is just giving the state a second chance to accomplish what it failed to do this time.”

Jim could see her tough tone surprised the judge. He opened his mouth to say something and then closed it again. After a little pause, he said, “I’m going to retire to chambers to consider the evidence.”

Ten minutes passed while Sarah ignored him by reading over the notes on her legal paid and scrolling through the email on her phone. Was she looking for messages from David Scott? Jim tried not to think about that as he worked to resist the spell of her gardenia perfume. To take his mind off Sarah, he concentrated on Alexa’s face as he’d said goodby to her in the hospital last night in the dim glow of the little pink night light that seemed to bring her such comfort.

“Do you think we’ll win?” She looked wistful and sad. “I don’t know how I’d be able to handle another day in that cell.”

Jim patted her hand and tried to give her a reassuring smile, although he guessed she knew how uncertain he felt. “If anyone can get you out, Sarah can.”

Suddenly the door to the inner sanctum opened, and the clerk announced Judge Tomlinson was ordering the attorneys into his chambers. Jim saw Sarah’s hands shaking as she stood up.

“Do you want me to come?” he whispered, noting that Sheriff Dale Spencer, who had been sitting with Preston Baldwin at the prosecution’s table, was following him toward Judge Tomlinson’s chambers.

“Yes.”

The attorneys took the chairs closest to the judge’s desk. Jim and the sheriff sat behind them. Judge Tomlinson did not look happy with any of them. He frowned as he scribbled away on his legal pad, allowing the silence in the room to lengthen into palpable tension for everyone present.

Finally he whipped off his half-glasses, put down his pen, and rubbed his eyes with his chubby fists as if he was unbearably tired. Then he looked at them.

“I’m not happy with this situation.” Judge Tomlinson looked directly at Sheriff Spencer, who opened his mouth only to be admonished, “Don’t say anything. You had your time on the witness stand. I just want to make it clear that my job is not made easier by the obvious bias a segment of the legal community holds against Mrs. Reed. I didn’t enter that order for medication to have it used the way it has been. I don’t want anyone ever to think I knew this was going to happen or that I entertained any possible bias against a defendant in my courtroom. And if you think so, Ms. Knight, you know your job: recuse me.”

“Yes, Your Honor.” Jim could see Sarah was gripping her pen to keep her hands steady.

“Judge, I hope you are not suggesting that I – ” Preston Baldwin began, but Judge Tomlinson raised his hand.

“I didn’t invite you to speak, Mr. Baldwin. Argument, like testimony, is closed.” Judge Tomlinson leaned over his legal pad, folded his hands and said, “This is what I am going to do, and I don’t like doing it. But I’ve been left with little choice. I’m going to release Alexa Reed on house arrest with GPS monitoring.”

“And the amount of her bail, Your Honor?” Preston Baldwin frowned.

“I’m not setting bail. She can’t afford any. I already know that because she has appointed counsel.”

“But you can’t do that.”

“Well, then go get yourself a writ from the court of appeal and tell the justices up there the jail nearly killed her before she ever got to trial because your expert insisted she be medicated and I listened to him. Go right ahead, Mr. Baldwin.”

Jim saw the prosecutor swallow hard as he realized he was out of options.

“Now, Ms. Knight. I don’t have to tell you about your responsibilities here.”

“No, Your Honor.”

“And I’m not going to be generous with continuances. I’ve had to let a defendant out of custody who probably should be in jail, so I’m going to keep that time to a minimum. That means if you ask for a continuance, you’d better have impeccable grounds to support your request. Do you understand, Ms. Knight?”

“I understand.”

“Your Honor?”

“Yes, Sheriff.”

“I’d like to have some of my deputies stationed outside Mrs. Reed’s residence.”

“And what will that get you? Another chance to put her in the hospital?”

“Your Honor – ”

“If it weren’t for your negligence – and I’m being polite when I use that term – we wouldn’t be here right now. And I wouldn’t be making an order that very well may be illegal, but that no one is going to take to the court of appeal because everyone is too ashamed of what happened. Now let me be very clear about this: for the rest of this trial, everyone – and I mean everyone – will operate by the book. Am I clear?”

Jim drained the last of his scotch, turned off the gas heater, and headed into the house. It was midnight. And someone was knocking at his door.

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CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

The phone woke her at six next morning instead of her alarm. She had drunk enough the night before to give herself a headache, and she thought about not answering. But it might be Jim. And it might be another emergency with Alexa. So she rolled over and picked up the receiver and said, with great effort, “Hello.”

“Good morning, Ms. Knight. I believe it’s morning where you are. It’s lunchtime in D.C. This is Coleman Reed.”

Sarah sat up and forced her hung-over self to concentrate. “What do you want, Justice Reed?”

“Well, first to congratulate you. I heard about Ms. Jacobs’ debacle yesterday. Clearly she did’t graduate in the top of her law school class.”

“Actually she managed to pass the bar after going to an unaccredited law school, so she isn’t stupid. I’m not convinced discussing Tara’s educational shortcomings is the purpose of this call.”

“You’re very acute, Ms. Knight. I remember you in oral argument in the Lewis versus New York case, three years back. Fourth Amendment. Illegal search. You won for your client.”

“No thanks to you, Justice Reed. You wrote the minority dissent in that case.”

“Like I said, you’re very acute. Talented, even. Your work in the Joey Menendez case is legendary. As you know. And you turned six of my colleagues against me in the Lewis case. Because of you, Myron Lewis, an international drug dealer, walked away a free man. It’s too bad they appointed you to defend my daughter-in-law. You’re going to lose and that will tarnish your considerable reputation.”

“I don’t think you called to discuss my standing in the legal community.”

“Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t.”

“Let’s get to the point.”

“You might not like that.”

“I’ll take my chances.”

“You can’t win against me, Ms. Knight. Haven’t you figured that out, yet?”

“I have to do my job, Justice Reed. You know that.”

“And how do you define ‘do you job’?”

“This isn’t oral argument. I don’t have to answer that. Go read the Sixth Amendment.”

“‘A criminal defendant is entitled to the effective assistance of counsel.’ I know what it says. But ‘effective assistance’ doesn’t mean you have to commit professional suicide.”

“What does that mean?”

“That means don’t go prying into matters that don’t concern you.”

“As in your son’s bank records?”

“As in those and in Ronald Brigman’s.”

“You can’t stop me from seeing Brigman’s.”

“I realize that. And that’s why I’m calling you this morning.”

“I’m listening.”

“I could send a fleet of Alan Warrick’s best against you tomorrow to quash your subpoena for Michael’s bank records.”

“I’m not afraid of Warrick, Thompson attorneys, Justice Reed.”

“Of course, you aren’t. You cut your legal teeth with Hollis Craig and his partners.”

“Get to the point.”

“Okay. I can stop you where Michael is concerned. You know that. But I have no authority over Brigman’s financials.”

“And if I get Brigman’s, I’ll know about his dealings with Michael?”

“Right. So I’ve called to make you an offer.”

“An offer?”

“Withdraw your subpoenas. Leave the bank records alone. And stop defending Alexa like an angry pit bull. I don’t want her out on bail.”

“I don’t think the Sixth Amendment allows me to do that.”

“Of course, it does. Trevor Martin told you what to do in this case. Just go through the motions. File a few in limines that you will lose. Do some cross-examination. Make it look good. But don’t try to win. No one expects you to.”

“Throwing a case is not my job, Justice Reed.”

“What if your life depended upon it?”

“I’m sorry. Is that a threat?”

“You can call it what you want. No one will ever believe it came from me. Back off, Ms. Knight. I understand your business hasn’t grown much in San Diego. I can get you a partnership at Warrick, Thompson.”

“I’ve already turned down Alan Warrick’s offer of partnership in the firm. I like having my own shop.”

“Well, then, I still have a number of clients using Warrick who are loyal to me. I can send them your way. Alan and I aren’t seeing eye-to-eye right now over Alexa. I would love to damage his bottom line on your behalf.”

“Isn’t that a conflict of interest?”

“It is right now because you’re representing Alexa. But you are not going to be her attorney forever, Ms. Knight. The sooner she’s tried and convicted, the better for all of us.”

“If you’re offering me a bribe not to look at Brigman’s bank records, it’s a safe assumption there’s something there that will help Alexa. If anyone found out I’d made a deal with you to ignore exculpatory evidence for my own financial gain, her conviction would be overturned on habeas corpus in a heartbeat. And I’d be disbarred.”

“You know, Ms. Knight, I’m going to have to give you some advice. You and Alan take the Rules of Professional Responsibility way too seriously. The Law Offices of Sarah Knight will go down in flames if you play by the ethics rules. You aren’t in a Wall Street firm any more where you can afford to dither about what the State Bar thinks. Things are different in the local bar as Hal Remington has probably told you. Business is based on who you know. If you don’t play the game right, no one is going to send you any work, and an attorney’s bread and butter is referrals from other attorneys. If you aren’t a team player in that community, you’re going to starve. What the State Bar wants you to do for Alexa Reed, and what the legal community wants you to do, are two very different things. I can make you rich beyond your wildest dreams, Ms. Knight. Your solo practice could grow into a firm as big as Craig, Lewis, or Warrick, Thompson. Or bigger.”

“In exchange for Alexa’s life?”

“She’s already a dead woman. Save yourself.”

“I’m sorry, Justice Reed, is that a threat?”

“It certainly is.”

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CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

Jim waited impatiently all day to hear from Sarah. His anger mounted as the hours rolled by, and his phone remained silent. They were a team. Why wouldn’t she call to tell him how things had gone in court that morning?

Afer Alexa was settled for the night, he headed to Sarah’s place only to find a black, Porsche 911 S Turbo Cabriolet in her drive. Stay calm, he thought. You don’t know who it belongs to, and you have no right to be upset. But he headed for home tired and preoccupied.

He was surprised when his phone went off just as he parked in his garage. It was Sarah.

“I was wondering where you were,” he said. “I’ve been waiting all day for news.”

“It looked like a victory, but it wasn’t. And things since then have been complicated. Are you still at the hospital? Can you come by?”

“Actually, I just got home. But give me a few minutes, and I’ll be there.”

“Thanks.”

* * *

She was wearing black leggings and a gray hooded sweatshirt that seemed to have swallowed her when she opened her front door for him twenty minutes later. The night air was unseasonably chilly, and she invited him inside quickly to keep out the sharp wind.

She looked uncharacteristically shaken by something, and he wondered what had ruffled her normally unflappable exterior.

She looked down at the plastic container in his hand. “What’s that?”

“My world famous beef stew. I figured you hadn’t had any supper. I’ll warm it up in the microwave while you fill me in on the details.”

He followed her into the kitchen where he prepared to heat the container, and she poured him a glass of wine. Why did this feel so natural and comfortable, he asked himself, as if they spent every evening talking over the events of the day?

“How is Alexa?”

“Brightening up more and more, but she still can’t remember that visit to Brigman’s, and her voice comes and goes. She wanted to do legal research on Battered Woman’s Syndrome, so I gave her a laptop and let her use my Lexis password.”

The oven beeped, and Jim opened the door and pulled out the container with the potholders Sarah handed him.

“It smells heavenly.”

“It is.” He poured it into the bowl she had provided and smiled. “Eat.”

“Ok. Thanks. Come sit in the living room.”

She perched on one end of the sofa and described the hearing that morning between bites while he sat on the other end and listened.

“Should I say congratulations?”

“No. Tara made a fool of herself, but I’m sure Coleman is the executor of Michael’s estate, and he’ll be back in a heartbeat to quash those subpoenas.”

“On what grounds?”

“The same grounds that kept Bob Metcalf from getting Michael’s bank records in the divorce: attorney-client privilege. As soon as Coleman hears about Tara’s fiasco today, he’ll send some of his Warrick, Thompson partner buddies to do what she couldn’t do: protect his son’s financial privacy.”

“Tomorrow?”

“I wasn’t served with any more motions to quash today, but I’d guess they would have one ready to go by day after tomorrow.”

“But isn’t it time for the bank to produce the documents?”

“Yes, and if they come back before Coleman can get his act together, we could at least look at them before he gets a protective order, sealing them.”

“Then let’s hope that happens.”

“And there’s another thing. Coleman can’t keep us from getting Brigman’s records. He’s not the executor of Brigman’s estate.”

“Do you know who is?”

“His ex-wife. She lives in Tel Aviv. I sent her notice of the subpoenas through her attorneys in New York and not a peep out of her. I doubt she cares if her ex is embarrassed.”

“So we’ll get Brigman’s even if we don’t get Michael’s?”

“Right. And that may be enough to show us if there were bribes going on.” She put the empty bowl on the coffee table and smiled. “Thanks. It was delicious as usual.”

“Alexa liked it, too.”

“Alexa?”

“Yeah, I’ve been taking her extras at supper time because the hospital food isn’t so great.” He was pleased to see her eyes darken.

“Every night?”

“One of us has to keep an eye on her.”

She frowned and studied the black and white durie rug on the floor. “Of course.”

“You seem upset.”

Her eyes met his again, and she ran her fingers through her close-cropped hair. “To be honest, I am.”

“Is it something I’ve done?” He knew the answer was yes, but she would say no.

“No, of course not. It’s the David Scott thing. I shouldn’t talk to you about it.”

“You can if it helps.”

She told him about Tessa’s visit that morning.

“She threatened your life, you could call the police.”

“No, I can’t. Those photographs were not fakes, but her threats were just bluffing.”

“You can never be too sure.”

“I’m sure. And David was too.”

“David?”

“I asked him to come by tonight before I called you.”

So David Scott drove a 911 S Turbo Cabriolet. Useless piece of trivia. “And?”

“He laughed about the whole thing, and said he’d buy the photographs from her.”

“What if she won’t sell?”

“As David said, Tessa always has her price.”

“Well, then, you are both off the hook.”

“Except David wants the affair to continue after he’s acquired Tessa’s pictures, and I don’t.”

Jim was careful not to show how happy that news made him. “Well then, let Mrs. keep the photographs because she’ll have no reason to use them.”

* * *

Sarah was restless after Jim left around ten o’clock. Her demons didn’t haunt her in his presence, but they came roaring back the minute she closed the door behind him. She poured herself another glass of wine, hoping it would help her silence the inner voices and go to sleep.

But she was still grappling with her guilt over Alexa when the phone rang at midnight.

“Hey, babe.”

“David, it’s late, and there’s nothing more to talk about.”

“Wrong. There’s plenty to talk about. I came back to your place around 9:30 to tell you the news, but I saw you were otherwise occupied.”

“You have no right to spy on me.”

“Yes, I do. I bought Tessa’s pics and her silence for half a mil.”

“I didn’t ask you do to that.”

“Doesn’t matter. You owe me. Don’t get the idea you can dump me for someone else. My relationships end when I say they do. Period.”

“I’ve had enough threats for one day. Good night.”

“You’d better take mine seriously. Dinner, my place on Friday. Eight sharp.”

“I have plans.”

“Then unmake them.”

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CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

“Good morning,” Judge Tomlinson beamed at his courtroom. “I trust everyone had a good weekend.”

Sarah smiled in return as she stood at the defendant’s table with Bob Metcalf dressed in another ill-fitting suit, but she noticed that Tara Jacobs on the plaintiff’s side with Preston Baldwin, remained taughtly grim-faced. Probably because her surgeon had eliminated any possibility of smiling a couple of facelifts ago. Everything about Tara was so sleek she looked plastic. Her dark hair was pulled into the tightest bun on record. Her cobalt blue suit appeared to have been steamed within an inch of its life to remove every wrinkle. She was so thin Sarah doubted she ever touched food. Her French manicured nails were so long she could barely pick up a pencil. Every bit of her screamed she was trying too hard to be sleek, chic, and expensive.

“Let’s see, we’re here this morning on a motion Ms. Jacobs filed to quash Ms. Knight’s subpoenas for Ronald Brigman and Michael Reed’s bank records. Is that right?”

“That’s correct, Your Honor.”

“Mr. Baldwin, this isn’t your motion. I’m not even sure why you’re at this hearing.”

“Well, Your Honor, the state is opposed to disclosure to the defendant of the sensitive personal documents of the victims.”

“They aren’t going to be disclosed to Mrs. Reed, Mr. Baldwin. Ms. Knight as counsel of record will receive them. And I’m still not sure what your interest is in this hearing.”

“The state represents the victims –”

“The state is seeking justice on behalf of the People, Mr. Baldwin.”

Sarah suppressed a smile. It was fun to watch the arrogant Preston Baldwin being raked over the Monday morning coals even if she guessed her own turn was coming.

“Well, of course, Your Honor, but – ”

“No ‘buts,” Mr. Baldwin. I’ve heard more than enough from you. Ms. Jacobs scheduled this hearing. If you don’t sit down and be quiet, I’ll ask you to leave.”

Preston Baldwin folded his lawyer tail between his legs and sat down next to Tara, who was still standing.

“Now, let’s see. I neglected to have you enter your appearances. Ms. Knight, obviously you are here on behalf of Mrs. Reed. I hear she’s doing better at the hospital?”

“That’s correct, Your Honor.”

“We like to hear every bit of good news we can get on Monday morning. And you have a gentleman with you whom I see is not your investigator.”

“That’s correct, Your Honor. This is Bob Metcalf, who represented Mrs. Reed in the family court proceedings. He may or may not be called as a witness.”

“Very good. Welcome, Mr. Metcalf.”

“Thank you, Your Honor.”

“Now, Ms. Jacobs, as to your appearance. Who are you here to represent?”

“Ronald Brigman and Michael Reed.”

“Hm.” Judge Tomlinson’s kind gray eyes studied Tara’s taught eagerness intently. “Don’t you have a bit of a problem, there?”

“Problem, Your Honor?”

“Yes, a problem of “standing.” You remember the legal concept of “standing,” Ms. Jacobs, from first year civil procedure in law school? You have to have “standing” to bring a matter before a court. You have to be an eligible party as the law defines ‘eligible party to a legal proceeding’ before you can ask the court to hear your position.”

Tara pursed her haughty collagen filled lips with utmost derision for the mild, rotund civil servant looking down at her from the bench. “Ronald Brigman and Michel Reed have standing to oppose disclosure of their personal bank records.”

“I’m sorry, Ms. Jacobs, but you are wrong. They are both dead. That means they no longer have standing to oppose anything. The representatives of their estates can offer an opposition on their behalf, but Mr. Brigman and Mr. Reed are no longer able to be litigants in a court of law.”

“Yes, but I represented Michael in his family law matter.”

“Right, but you aren’t the executor of his estate nor do you represent the executor of his estate. And you’re not in family law court this morning. Correct?”

“Correct.”

“And I was not aware that Ronald Brigman was ever your client. If he had been, the State Bar would doubtless have been concerned about your conflict of interest since he was appointed to evaluate a number of your family law clients.”

Out of the corner of her eye, Sarah saw Bob’s eyes widen as he struggled to keep the rest of his face lawyerlike and impassive. She guessed no judge in family court had ever talked to Tara this way. On the other side of the courtroom, Preston Baldwin was visibly shrinking in his chair as he began to understand the scope of the legal problem Tara’s ignorance had created.

“I – I well, Dr. Brigman was not a client. He was a friend.”

“Right. I understand that, but when has the attorney-client privilege applied to communications between friends?” Judge Tomlinson was enjoying watching her squirm because she was so obnoxious in her ignorance, Sarah thought.

“I – I – well, the privilege applies to Michael’s confidences to me. And some of those were disclosed to Dr. Brigman in the course of his work in this case.”

“And that gives you an even bigger problem, doesn’t it, Ms. Jacobs?”

“I’m sorry, Your Honor. How does telling a court-appointed evaluator information provided by my client create a problem?”

“Think hard, Ms. Jacobs. First-year law school again. Your first class in professional responsibility. What happens when you disclose a client’s confidences to a third party?”

Tara was bright red. “Well, they’re waived, of course. But, Dr. Brigman was a court-appointed evaluator.”

“Can you show me some authority that says court-appointed evaluators aren’t third-parties when it comes to attorney-client privilege?”

“I – I – no.” Tara looked stunned.

“Well, then. I think this hearing is over. You don’t have any standing to move to quash Ms. Knight’s subpoenas.”

“But Your Honor!” Preston Baldwin leapt to his feet and threw himself into the breach Tara’s incompetence had created.

“Mr. Baldwin, I thought I asked you to sit down and be quiet.”

“Please, Your Honor. At least hear Ms. Jacobs on the public policy issue.”

“Public policy issue?” Judge Tomlinson frowned.

“Yes, Your Honor,” Tara gave him the smile that apparently won judicial hearts and minds in family court. Only it wasn’t working here, Sarah thought.

“Okay. It’s Monday morning. I’ve had a nice weekend. I hear Mrs. Reed is recovering. I’m in as good a mood as I’ll probably be in all week. Tell me these ‘public policy’ reasons of yours to quash Ms. Knight’s subpoenas.”

Judge Tomlinson settled back in his chair and kept his eyes on Tara Jacobs.

“May it please the court.”

“Ms. Jacobs, I’m not pleased, in case you haven’t noticed. And this isn’t first-year law school moot court, nor are you in the court of appeal. This is superior court where I am vastly underpaid and very overworked. Just get to the point.”

“Sorry, Your Honor. The points is Alexa Reed should not profit by her decision to kill her husband and Dr. Brigman. Mrs. Reed is a lying, devious, manipulative individual with a psychopathic borderline personality disorder, whose only goal in life was to live off her husband’s money. She – ”

“Wait, Ms. Jacobs. Just wait, please.” Judge Tomlinson held up his hand. “No one, particularly a criminal defendant who is presumed innocent until proven guilty, is going to be called lying, manipulative, or psychopathic in my courtroom by an attorney, unless an expert has first testified to that based on authorities reasonably relied on by experts in the field. I am not persuaded by character assassination. Is that clear?”

“Yes, Your Honor. If I might finish?”

“You’re finished, Ms. Jacobs. I did my tour as a judge in family law court a few years back. The kind of language you are using disgusted me then, and it does now. I feel like levying a hefty sanction on you for wasting my time this morning. If you’d done your legal research, you’ve have known you had no standing. If you will kindly fold up your papers and exit now, I won’t impose the $2,000 fine I’m considering. Your motion was frivolous, and it is very, very denied.”

Sarah thought she heard a slight whimper from Tara as she swept her legal pad into her Louis Vuitton brief case and headed for the backdoor. She could see Bob was still working hard to suppress a grin of delight.

Fortunately, he continued to be successful because the judge turned to him next, “Mr. Metcalf. Again, thank you for spending part of your Monday with us. I’m going to let you go now, because I need to talk to Ms. Knight and Mr. Baldwin about scheduling in Mrs. Reed’s case.”

“Thank you, Your Honor.” Bob picked up his well-worn briefcase and headed for the exit.

Judge Tomlinson frowned at Preston Baldwin as the door closed behind Bob.
“Did you know that was going to be her motion?”

“No, Your Honor. I thought she was going to say she represented the estates of the two victims.”

“If I hadn’t been on the bench in family court and seen the way they practice over there, I wouldn’t have believed anyone who had passed the California Bar would have pulled a stunt like that. Anyway, that’s not why I kept the two of you. I understand Ms. Knight wants Mrs. Reed out on bail when she leaves the hospital.”

“That’s correct, Your Honor.” Sarah willed herself to be calm and not to give away too much of her case for Alexa’s release.

“Your Honor, Ms. Knight is as out-in-left-field as Ms. Jacobs. There’s no right to bail in a capital case.”

“True, but she has a right to a bail hearing. And you’ve calendared one for October 1, haven’t you?” Judge Tomlinson looked at Sarah.

“I have, Your Honor.”

“I was just putting out some feelers to see if the two of you might reach an agreement on Mrs. Reed’s custody status to save us the trouble of the hearing.”

“The people want her in jail. Period.”

“Then I think we’re on for October 1. You do know, Ms. Knight you have to show facts that demonstrate she may not be guilty?”

“Yes, Your Honor.”

“I just want you to be aware I’m not going to be any happier than I was today if you waste my time.”

“I understand, Your Honor.”

“And now I believe you wanted to talk to me about hiring the experts you need for Mrs. Reed’s defense?”

“That is correct, Your Honor.”

“Very well. Mr. Baldwin, you may go. I need to meet with Ms. Knight in my chambers for a few minutes.”

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CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

Mid-September days in San Diego are mild and soft and wrap around you like the arms of a lover, Sarah Knight reflected on the third Monday of the month as she got out of her car in the UCSD parking lot in Hillcrest at ten o’clock. August’s fiery blasts were gone, and the breeze was light and crisp with the promise of fall. She wished she could escape work for the day and sit on one of the craggy bluffs overlooking the Pacific, thinking of nothing but the steady rhythm of the tide rolling in. She wanted to escape her life, and Jim, and Alexa Reed with every fiber of her being.

But Jim was already in Alexa’s room waiting for her because their client had finally recovered her voice enough to talk to them. Since Alexa had come out of her coma a week ago, Sarah had let Jim take the laboring oar at the hospital. She told herself she sent Jim without her because she needed to focus on pulling together the evidence that would keep Alexa from going back to jail. But in reality her overwhelming guilt kept her away. She had not slept a night through since the dark small hours of that Saturday when she’d called Alexa back in the name of her children. And now she was wracked with guilt because she had drawn Alexa’s spirit away from the threshold of eternity with a promise she could never keep: reunion with Meggie and Sam.

Sarah took a deep breath before pushing open the door to Alexa’s room. She seemed to grow smaller every time Sarah saw her. Her client was sitting up, propped against a number of large pillows; Jim occupied the chair next to her bed. He was entertaining her with small talk about Georgetown. Sarah saw the first-ever smile on Alexa’s face and felt that familiar unwanted pang of jealousy. Alexa and Jim had gone to the same law school, and they’d naturally become friends in the last week while Sarah had stayed away.

They both looked up as the door opened, slightly startled by her interruption. But Jim recovered impeccably, quickly standing to offer her the chair closest to the bed and pulling up another for himself some distance away.

Sarah looked over at the tiny figure watching her expectantly and suddenly felt awkward and unsure of how to begin. “I’m Sarah Knight, your attorney.”

Alexa nodded. “Yes.” Not surprisingly her voice was low and raspy. She took a sip of water from the covered plastic cup in her hands.

“I thought we’d start with the police report. You told Officer McColly Meggie phoned you at 11:15, upset because her father was in an argument with a woman.”

Alexa nodded.

“And you drove to the house to find Michael dead and the children crying.”

She nodded again.

“But you didn’t tell the police you had arrived at Ronald Brigman’s earlier that night at 9:00 p.m.?”

She frowned. “I don’t remember being at Dr. Brigman’s.”

“He had a surveillance camera focused on his front door. It shows you going in at 9:00 p.m. It doesn’t show you leaving.”

She looked upset and confused. “Then I must have been there. But I don’t remember it.”

Jim looked up from his notes and gave Alexa a sympathetic smile that registered in Sarah’s midsection as an acute pang of jealousy. “We’ve talked this week when she’s felt like it,” Jim sid. “There’s a lot she can’t remember. The doctor warned us about memory loss.”

Sarah nodded politely, trying not to show her irritation over his obvious bond with their client. “Well, then, let’s work with what you do remember. Tell me about that night.”

Alexa fixed her beautiful blue eyes on Jim as if Sara hadn’t asked the question. “I was driving in the car. I remember that. It was dark, and it was late. I don’t know why I was driving in the car. My cell phone rang, and it was Meggie. She was crying. She said Michael was arguing with a woman, and she and Sam were scared. She wanted me to come and get them.”

“Is that all you remember?”

“I remember walking into Michael’s house and seeing him lying in a pool of blood. Meggie and Sam were hiding in the closet in Meggie’s bedroom. I took them home, and called the police.”

“So you don’t remember being at Ronald Brigman’s at all?”

“No.”

“What about seeing Brigman dead on his living room floor?”

“No.” She frowned as she struggled to remember. “It feels as if there is something I should remember. But I can’t. I must have been very upset to have been driving around in the car alone at night.”

“In the vicinity of Michael’s and Brigman’s, too.”

Her lovely blue eyes seemed to have a mist over them. “Yes, right. I don’t know why I was there before Meggie called. I think I used to know. But I don’t remember now.”

“Do you remember having your gun with you that night?”

“No. I know I didn’t have the gun then.”

“Why?”

“Because it had been stolen.”

“When?”

“In March. Or maybe it was April. It was not long after Brigman announced he was going to give Michael eighty per cent custody of the children on June 1.”

“Did you remember why you had the gun?”

“Bob told me to get it. Michael kept threatening to kill me, and Bob said I had to take the threats seriously.”

“Were any of the threats in writing or in front of witnesses?

“No. Michael always bragged he was too clever to get caught. But Bob said even if we couldn’t prove them, the threats were real, and I needed to protect myself.”

“Where did you keep the gun?”

“I kept it locked in the trunk of the car. I was afraid to have it in the house because of the children.”

“How did you find out the gun was missing?”

“I checked on it several times a week to make sure it was secure. One Sunday afternoon, I opened the trunk and it was gone.”

“Did you make a police report?”

“Yes. I called Bob, and that’s what he said to do.”

“Did you know Trevor Martin says there was no police report?”

“He told me that. But I did talk to an officer that same afternoon, and he said he was going to write a report.”

“Do you remember his name?”

Alexa shook her head. “No. I’m pretty sure I didn’t write it down. It never occurred to me anyone would think I would lie about contacting the police.”

“Michael filed for divorce in January 2009?”

“Yes.”

“Were you surprised?”

Alexa sighed. “That’s not a simple yes or no answer.”

“What do you mean?”

“I found out early in our marriage Michael was unfaithful. By now you’ve heard about the paralegal he got pregnant during our first year at the firm. After I realized what was going on, I tried to get him to go to counseling with me. That’s when he started to hit me.”

Alexa focused on the blank wall opposite and went on as if reciting from a book. “Michael enjoyed his affairs, but what he enjoyed even more was humiliating me with them. He made sure I knew about every one. He liked to hit me while he bragged about them.”

“Why didn’t you leave?”

“I going to, but then I found out I was pregnant with Meggie. Michael stopped hitting me while I pregnant, and I thought he wanted to save our marriage. But I was wrong. He just didn’t want to take any chances my doctor would see bruises and ask questions.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because he told me. He started hitting me again when Meggie was six weeks old, when I had finished my post partum visits. I wanted to leave, but I had nowhere to go. My grandmother was my only family; and she died in 2005, the year I married Michael.

“I figured if I were pregnant again, Michael would stop hitting me, so I got pregnant with Sam when Meggie was six months old. And I was right; he did stop until after Sam was born.”

“Did anyone at Warrick, Thompson know?”

She shook her head. “I don’t think so. But I missed a lot of days of work because I didn’t want anyone to see the bruises. Michael stepped up the beatings after I went back to work after Sam was born. I didn’t want to leave the firm because I didn’t want to be isolated with Michael. But coping with two babies and never knowing when Michael would come at me again was very hard. It was almost a relief when Alan Warrick let me go because my billable hours were too low. The firm wasn’t making any money off of me.”

“When did you leave the firm?”

“October 2008. Alan called it a ‘leave of absence.” In theory I would come back when Sam was a year old.” Her voice cracked, and she took a sip of water from her cup.

“Did things get better after you stayed home with the children?”

“I wish I could say yes; but no, they didn’t. Michael wasn’t afraid of anyone seeing the bruises.”

“Why didn’t you leave Michael, then?”

“I was planning to. I saw a divorce attorney in November. I put my resume together to try to get a teaching job at one of the law schools in town. I talked to Alan about it, and he offered to be a reference. He had some connections at Cal Western, and he thought he might be able to get me a job teaching Constitutional Law.”

“But you didn’t file for divorce.”

“No, the family law attorney told me the court would not order supervised visits with the children for Michael even though he’d been violent with me. He wasn’t with them much, and he wasn’t patient, and they were so little. I was afraid for them to be alone with them, so I decided I’d better stick it out until they were older and could speak for themselves if Michael went after them.”

“So what led Michael to file for divorce?”

“I don’t know when Michael found out that I had seen the family law attorney. I never told him. But he confronted me about it when we got home from the big Warrick, Thompson Christmas party. He hit me so hard, he broke my left arm. He took me to the emergency room; but on the way he said I if I told the truth about how I’d been hurt, he’d file for divorce, and I would never see the children again. So I told the ER doctor I slipped and fell.”

“Did the doctor believe you?”

“I’m not sure. He seemed suspicious because Michael wouldn’t leave the room when he was talking to me. But if you pull those hospital records, you’ll see I didn’t tell the truth.”

“Are you sure no one else ever witnessed what Michael did to you?”

“There was someone, but she’s been deported.”

“Who?”

“I had a nanny named Guadalupe Caballero who helped out with Meggie and then later with Sam, so I could go back to work. She lived with us, so she not only saw the bruises, she heard Michael hitting me, too.”

“Where is she now?”

“She was undocumented, and Michael had her deported when he filed for divorce.”

“Did Bob Metcalf ever try to find her?”

“No. He didn’t know how to, and honestly, I don’t think she would have cooperated anyway. She was terrified when the INS came to get her.”

“What happened after Michael broke your arm in December?”

“Coleman got involved. He’d been unfaithful to Myrna for years and had been physically abusive, so he thought nothing of what Michael was doing to me. But he knew I had options to leave that Myrna didn’t have, and he didn’t want the world to know his or Michael’s secrets. He called me the day after they put the cast on and offered to pay me what amounted to a monthly income if I wouldn’t leave Michael.”

“A bribe?”

“Yes.”

“And you said?”

“No, of course. I was insulted.”

“How did Coleman react?”

“He was very angry. He told me that was the best offer I’d ever get, and I’d rue the day I turned it down. Then he helped Michael hide all of the community property in offshore accounts, so I wouldn’t get any.”

“How do you know that?”

“It’s an educated guess. Just before Michael filed for divorce, all our bank accounts suddenly went down almost to zero. Coleman liked to use offshore accounts for his various clients, so I think he used his expertise to help Michael hide the community property.”

“Was Coleman involved in money laundering?”

“You’d have to ask Alan Warrick since he was the one who monitored client finds in the firm’s trust account. But if Coleman was up to anything illegal, I doubt he would have let Alan know because Alan is very by-the book-follow-the rules, no exceptions.”

“Still, Alan might have known,” Sarah insisted.

“A pretty slim possibility,” Alexa whispered as she sipped from her cup, her eyes on Jim.

Her voice had dropped to a deep whisper, and her face was gray with fatigue. Sarah needed to ask a lot more, but she wanted out of that room at that moment more than anything else on earth. She wanted to be away from Jim’s steady quiet eyes on Alexa and his encouraging smiles as she answered Sarah’s questions.

“We’ve covered a lot of ground, and I think you’re too tired to go on right now. I’ll come another day when you’ve had a chance to rest.”

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